God's Will

             

             I have officially given up on making my own plans. Every plan I have made has been thwarted by a higher authority. After attempting many times to do my own thing, I eventually realized, what is the point? Let me give you a few examples.

            When I decided where to attend college I was convinced I was going to attend Utah State. That is the school my oldest sister, Mindy, attended. Most people didn't know this about me, but I pretty much idolized her. My whole life I looked up to Mindy thinking to myself, "I want to be just like her when I grow up." In some ways I do believe I have followed many of her footsteps, but I have indeed carved out my own path. When the time came to make the final decision I had changed my mind about USU. I felt so strongly that I needed to attend Brigham Young University of Idaho. That was my first major plan that was changed because of the strong feelings of the Spirit.

            As I pursued my education at BYU-I, I focused in on a major in Psychology.  I loved it! I had a great love and passion for that particular subject and really believed I could make a difference in that career field. My sophomore year I took a class titled, "Careers in Psychology" it was a great class, but I also learned that without a Master's or PHD in psychology there was no way I was going to make a career with only my undergrad degree. I felt that even though I would love to go to graduate school that was a big commitment for not having a good paying job to fall back on after finishing up at BYU-I. I prayed long and hard about this decision. I felt my Heavenly Father near me. I heard the Holy Ghost speak to me. I knew that I needed to change my career path. After taking some more general ed courses I discovered a new passion. I was sitting in Sister Parkinson's women's health class when I had an overwhelming emotion come over me. I loved that class. I loved the way she taught the subject and how empowered I felt when I left. That class changed me in ways I could never fully explain. I said to myself, "Millie, new plan, you are going to be a high school health teacher." At the moment I felt I had made an excellent choice. I enjoyed my classes and really felt that this is how I could impact future lives. This experience was the second time I really felt God's hand in the great plan he had for me.

            Life continued and my next desire was to fall madly in love and get married. I always knew I wanted to get married and be an amazing wife and mother. I felt my career would only hold me over until I got to that point. I felt pretty lucky that in the year 2007 (only two years after I graduated high school) I found a guy that fit perfectly into my great plan. He pretty much swept me off my feet. I was head over heels for this man. He was a romantic through and through. When he popped the question and I said yes I felt on top of the world. I was on my way to a great career with a fiancé by my side. I was going to be married by the age of 20. What an accomplishment in the Mormon World of BYU-I, right? I mean as they say, "Ring by spring or your money back." I had made my plans. My future was set. I couldn't be happier. Or could I?

            Of course we all know that when we are that happy and satisfied something has to go wrong. I believe that Heavenly Father doesn't do that because He wants to punish us. He does it to strengthen us. As soon as we get too comfortable we become complacent and we don't rely on our Savior as much. We tend to forget what is really important. God has a great plan for us. In order for us to have the strength to get to where He needs us to go we need to conquer difficult trials. The thing that people, including myself, need to remember is that we all have these difficult trials. Is one person’s trial really any more difficult than another’s? I strongly believe that every one has experienced something just as difficult as anyone else. They are just different trials and people handle things differently. For me, at this time in my life, my trial was mending a broken heart. I will not and could not go into what I felt as I realized that my forever plan ended in just a tiny little moment. When my wedding was cancelled by the groom, only a few days before the big day, I really did feel like my world had ended. What I did not realize at the time is I was still so set on my plan not Heavenly Father’s plan. He knew where my life would take me. He knew what I needed to have ultimate joy. I had a friend tell me during that hard time that someday I would find the right man and I would look back and see the good in what happened. I was so mad at her for even suggesting that I would find happiness with someone else. She was right. I wish I had wasted less time worrying about how my plan was messed up and more time looking forward to what God had in store for me. Don’t we all wish we could have done things a little differently once we see the light? This experience was the third and probably by far the biggest roadblock in my plan. I’m so glad that Heavenly Father intervened and showed me he had something else in mind for me.

            After this life-changing event I had to make several choices. Not every choice I made was the one that God wanted me to make. It is amazing seeing where I came from and where I am now. I started to really see what potential I could have. I became so excited to graduate and start my career. I had to make once again another big choice. We had to do our student teaching in one of three cities Idaho Falls area, Salt Lake City, or Las Vegas. I heard that it was hard to get the Idaho Falls spot so I signed up for SLC. It was a little last minute, but while I was in an informational meeting about our student teaching I once again felt that I had made the wrong choice. To make a long story short I followed the prompting and I went to Las Vegas. As everyone knows that is where I met my now husband. How amazing is that? In the four years between graduation and now I was tossed all over the place. I went from Las Vegas, to Saratoga Springs, to Idaho Falls, to Bountiful, to Tooele, back to Las Vegas. I wouldn’t change a thing. I learned so much in each place. I made friends and experienced things in each city that really impacted my life.

            Now that the last 8 years of my life have been reviewed, it takes me to now. I would like to remind you of the before mentioned paragraph about when I felt inspired to become a health teacher. In the three years I have been teaching I only taught health for 12 weeks. Last year, as I taught English, I was in an excellent school, which I believe made up for the fact that I taught English. I had felt the joy that being a teacher brings. As most of you know, this year has not been that easy or wonderful. I felt like it was really my first year being a real teacher. I was at a normal school for the first time and had a lot of rules and restrictions. The school I have been teaching at is also in one of the worst areas of Las Vegas. The students are in gangs, come from families that do not value the importance of education, and are crazy disrespectful. I struggled more than I have ever struggled before in my life. I couldn’t understand how to teach a classroom full of rude students that had no desire to learn. It did not help that the school had quite a few issues as well. So much went on that I couldn’t possibly write about it all. I came home almost every day exhausted, sometimes in tears and I did not want to go back. I hated it every single day. I felt I was being tortured slowly but surely. I didn’t think I was making a difference. I felt like the students just wanted to make me miserable. I felt confused and had no idea how to teach the standards to these students. I gave up. I mentally quit. I did what I needed to do to slide by. I was not the teacher I had hoped to become. I was not the teacher that my professors were sure I would be. I was not fulfilling what I thought was supposed to be my golden career.

I remembered when people told me I was crazy for becoming a teacher I would tell them, “No, I’m not crazy. I love teaching. I want to make a difference. I will change lives.” It broke my heart because I felt like I had failed. Teaching was nothing I thought it would be. What I didn’t realize until about a month ago was that I was looking at it all wrong. As soon as I mentally gave up teaching I gave up any chance to make a difference. It came down to a choice I needed to make. Give up on teaching all together and try something else, or completely throw myself heart and soul into teaching and continue. It has been my dream to become an amazing teacher. I got to the point where I decided that could no longer be my dream. I was not willing to put what is needed into this career. I talked to my amazing, supportive husband and he agreed. He told me he would support me in my choice. This was going to be my last year of teaching. I say was because again I was acting not on God’s plan, but my own.

I came up with this decision a couple of months ago. It has been hard to continue to teach when I knew how much I no longer wanted to pursue this career. My husband had been such a support to me. He has put up with me at times when I really didn’t want to continue. He has stood by my side and has never faltered. He is truly my rock. I’m lucky to have such an amazing man by my side. I feel so blessed to have him. I know that Heavenly Father really did know what I needed in a husband.

I honestly don’t remember how long ago it was (I think about a month or a little more ago) when I had a strange feeling going to work that day. I felt different. I had a feeling that I shouldn’t quit. I was mad. I didn’t want to have that feeling. I just wanted to be done and move on. The feeling wouldn’t stop nagging at me all day long. I thought about it and I said to myself, “I can do this again. They say it is easier the second year.” I couldn’t believe I was actually considering staying! That evening I was siting on the couch being lazy and my husband was busy doing homework. I looked down at my phone and realized I had missed a call. I looked and it was from my principal. I froze. I was so scared that I had done something wrong or what not. I listened to the voicemail and I was in shock. My principal said, “My health teacher just informed me that she has taken a health position at another school. Knowing you would rather teach health I would like to offer you the full-time health position. Let me know and I will put your name in.” Honestly, I couldn’t shake the fact that I had felt all day long I shouldn’t quit and then I just got offered the position I have always wanted. I knew that couldn’t be random. That doesn’t mean it was easy for me to accept that position. I talked it over with my husband and my mom. Sam of course said he would support me either way, but I could tell his face was beaming at the idea of me working another year. I know he has been worried about his career and schooling. It would give him a lot of cushion if I continued with a steady paying career. My mom also felt that it was a sign from Heaven. I was faced with a very difficult decision. The thing is even though I would be teaching something I am much more passionate about I would have my rude, disrespectful students again as 8^th graders. That thought did not make me happy.

Let me tell you about my students. I know I have complained about them. I know I have said they are rude and have no respect. All of this is true, but there is something else about them that I should focus on more. They are poor. They come from broken homes. They are hungry. Some of them don’t get the chance to be a kid. Some of them don’t have homes. Some of them don’t have a bed. Some of them can’t afford clothes or school supplies. Most of them get bullied in some way. Can anyone really blame them for being rude? They haven’t been taught anything different. I have sat in parent/teacher meetings and I have actually cried with the parent and child that are going through hard times. I have a student whose mother lost her job. She couldn’t afford the bills and the house was going to be taken away. She took her son (my student) to another state to find work. We were not told where he was. No one knew. Meanwhile, this mom’s daughter (in high school) stayed with a friend, got a job, paid the housing bills, and went to school. The mom and son came home and he returned to school. Sweetest kid in the world, but he was so behind. I had another student who was consistently tardy or absent. Her mother came to tell us why. They had a two-bedroom home and six kids, no dad. My student was the youngest of the six. One of the older kids had some mental issues and would cause a lot of problems for his mom. My student would get up and take care of her brother at all hours of the night. She would clean, wash clothes by hand, and do everything she could to ease the burden on her mom.  How could she come to school when she couldn’t sleep at home? I have really stopped to think about how I came to this school. It wasn’t random. It wasn’t by chance. Heavenly Father knows I can make a difference here. He also knew I would be able to do it better as a health teacher. As a health teacher, we teach students about decision making and making the right choices. The vicious cycle that these kids are in will only be broken if they make the decision to be different. I can be that guiding light. I know I wanted to quit, but when I made the decision to stay and accept that job I felt good. I was reminded of why I became a teacher.

I am so excited for next year. I want to make some changes and be the teacher that these students deserve. They need someone to love them and I know that is one thing I am capable of doing. Never give up on your dreams.

The main moral of this incredibly long story is God has a plan for each of us. It may not match our own plan, but I can ensure you it is a better one. I am so incredibly grateful to have such a strong testimony in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saints and God’s eternal plan for me. I try hard not to doubt Him. I hope I can always remember where He has taken me on this beautiful journey called life.

To end I would like to include my favorite quote, that rings more true than ever before, by C.S. Lewis:

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.”

                To all of my friends and family, please remember God's will. Remember that you are to become greater than a decent little cottage. I know I need to strive harder to allow God to turn me into that grand palace.